18 and hot-blooded. I might dispense useful information once in a while


happy birthday

Happy birthday to me! *clap clap*
Happy birthday to me! *clap clap*
Happy birthday to me! *clap clap*
Happy birthday to me ~ooohhh Happy birthday to me!

Ok Ive got so many things to say. Firstly, today starts operation night study, day fucking one. I need to get my act together again, Ive got so many dreams to accomplish and Ive already painted out a canvas of who I want to be. In five years time, I want to read this post again and give myself a pat on the back and say to myself: Well done!"

As much as I'm idealistic, embracing bohemianism, I still have to succumb to the harsh facts of reality. I need to get into a uni. But then, I shouldn't be so harsh on myself also. My emotional health takes priority over anything else.

I know I can do it, if I put my heart and soul into it. But I need to learn how not to get stressed up so easily and do things with the right spirit. Patience. Patience! Do one thing at a time! dont panic! and keep going on!

Ok, I had a huge fight with dad two days ago. And we almost murdered each other haha. I just experienced a real-life manifestation of the cold war theory lol. Implicit and indirect confrontation at first then sudden escalation and tension a.k.a the cuban missile crisis!

He just keep probing about my results and then rake up the past about my misconduct in secondary school and how I disrespect everyone and think highly of myself Then I retorted lor. Past is past. Now is now okeh! Then he said he'll confiscate my laptop and hp as usual =.= and then we talked about death. And then he threatened to throw me out of the house and said if im so good he shouldnt provide for me. And then I talked about how he'll rather provide for those rotten people back in malaysia than me.

Anyway I think Ive come to the stage where I need to break away from my parents and find my own identity and lifestyle. That's considered normal, right? I mean they're still my parents and its not like Im going to severe ties with them or whatever.

My father, being a hardwired engineer, doesn't understand my artistic brain. He thinks of life as a mathematical equation and everything must obey the law of physics. Everyone must be hardworking like him. And his notion of hardworking is like slogging, making no way for entertainment or daydreaming. All he talks about to me is school work, so sad right. All he's concerned about are my grades. It's like the sole existence of human beings are to chase papers. Subconsciously, he is a fundamental Confucian. Everything is about stockades of morals and ethics. And must abdicate your personal desires for upright morals and to make ur ancestors proud. Sounds so depressing. Sometimes I think he doesn't have a soul, all he does is work, fulfill responsibilities, come home and watch TV and play computer on random china websites. He doesn't read good books and he doesn't appreciate art.

I think he's just brainwashed by the industrialism era. Must drop everything and must work and work and work like an ant. Man work is just a means to an end. The end is happiness but many people have seemed to lose focus. Modernity has made man sick.

I want to have a soul. I want to love, dance and be flexible. Bathe in pools of desire and have an open mind. Capture every scents and sounds and live every experience. I want to have autonomy over my own body and mind. I want to be free. I want to be who I want to be and not to be a shadow of society or the strings of a marionette. Just because its norm in society, doesn't mean its absolute and correct.

Liberty. Equality. Fraternity.

I yearn for the day that I will be free.

That being said, I'm 19 and its time to do something about my life. and throw the teddy bears away.

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